And I Quote

We're playing a board game. I ask the question on the card: "Truth be told, I cannot..."

The fill-in-the-blank answers from my family members:

...Cannot throw a ball.
...Cannot catch a ball.
...Cannot play football.
...Cannot run.

Truer words never spoken.

And I Quote

Hannah: "I could never stab someone. I can't even put my straw in a plastic lid."

And I Quote

Says Reilly, while I'm shuffling through the array of classical music selections on my iPod:
"Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny."

I love my friends.

And I Quote

Post-philosophy class. Hannah's first college course and my greatest two hours of 2011.

Hannah: So, he was talking about how lateness doesn't really exist. 

Lindsay: Yeah.

Hannah: So, does that mean farts don't exist? Because you can't see them?

Lindsay: You can measure them, so they exist.

Hannah: You can smell them, too.

Lindsay: A fart to one person isn't necessarily a fart to another person.

Hannah: Yep. It could be a fluff or a toot.

Lindsay: Yeah, but is a fart moral?

Hannah: What if you farted in Saudi Arabia?

Lindsay: They'd cut off one butt cheek so you could never fart again.

Philosophy's going to be a hit. More about the f-ing awesome professor I have and how the gods of UVU have finally thrown me a bone a little later.

And I Quote

Emma: Dad, how does Santa get into a house without a chimney?

Dad: Well, he unleashes his magic Christmas rats.

Emma: Rats?

Dad: Yes. White Christmas rats. They gnaw an opening into the house for Santa, and then if the children wake up, they sprinkle their magic Christmas rat dust in their eyes, and they go back to sleep until morning.

Emma: Why haven't I ever heard of the Christmas rats?
Dad: Santa's PR people decided that reindeer were more commercial.

My Hot Friday Night Date With Homework

Me: I'll have a smoothie and a brownie.

Girl at cashier: Okay. Name?
Me, in an awkward yelling voice that resounds over and over in my mind: Mary. (My fake name for cashiers, because who doesn't know how to spell/pronounce Mary?)
Girl at cashier: Mary? (Giggles) You're really pretty.

Me, even more awkwardly than before: Thanks, but if you think I'm something, you should see my sister.

Old man sitting next to me, shouting: Why does it smell like cheese?

Me, thinking: He's right, it does smell like cheese. Why?

His wife: You like cheese.

Old man: But are they cooking a vat of it? And why isn't it on the menu?

Also distracting me from my papers:
A man eating his sandwich with a fork
An amigo with the best Mexi-mullet I've seen since California. (Sorry, that's incredibly insensitive, but you'd forgive me for my political incorrectness if I had a snapshot.)
Someone at the cashier ordering fifty dollars worth of pastries, then getting his total and saying, "Wait! Her birthday is next week! Will these freeze?"


Lehi Kneaders is my Cheers. Here, everybody knows my (fake) name.

And I Quote...

Last night, my mom picks up a black feather (leftover from costume-mania), holds it like a quill, and then, in the worst fake British accent since John Malkovich himself...

Mom: "Charles Dickens heee-uh." (snickers)
Then again.
Mom: "Dear Tiny Tim, it's so unfortunate you shall not walk. Perhaps in the next life." (snickers)
And again.
Mom: "Dear Martha, George heee-uh. I shall not be home for forty-two nights. I'm having me teeth made." (snickers)

She's so cheeky!

And I Quote

Reilly: That best friend in that movie sucked. I would never do that to you.

Me: Me, neither. If you want to be a skank ho, I will totally support you.

Reilly: Good.

Me: And I would totally take you to the clinic if you got chlamydia.

Reilly: Me, too.

Me: I would expect the same from you. It's all I ask from you.

Reilly: It's all you're gonna get.

(We both stare silently at each other, confused. Then we slowly each eat a cupcake.)

 

And I Quote

Mom: Are you guys excited about the new Harry Potter movie coming out?
Us: Definitely. Are you?
Mom: Kind of. But then again, I'm not really into wizardry and such.a

And I Quote

Nursery rhymes with Hannah.

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP

Me: "Okay, finish this one. Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?..."

Hannah: "No, sir, yes, sir, one for the little man who lives in the creek. No, in the cave."

FAIL!

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY

Me: "Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how..."

Hannah: "Hmm...How you look so very hairy."

FAIL!

HUMPTY DUMPTY

Me: "Okay, what's the one about the egg on the wall?"

Hannah: "Humpy Humpy sat on a wall. All the king's morses and all the king's hens."

FAIL!

LITTLE JACK HORNER

Me: "Little Jack Horner, sat in a..."

Hannah: "Corner. Eating his turtles and waves."

FAIL!

THREE BLIND MICE
Me: "Three blind mice..."

Hannah: "See how they run, see how they run. They all ran off to the courtesan, who cut off their hands with a hunter's knife. Three blind mice."

FAIL!

Your kids will have very vivid imaginations, Hannah. Love you. :)

And I Quote

Mom: Did you wash your hair?

Emma: Um, yes. (takes a step back)

Mom: Let me smell it.

Emma: Uh, I used the... non-smell kind... (takes another step back)

Mom: Hey! You didn't wash your hair, and you just lied! You march upstairs and wash it right now, and don't you ever let me catch you lying again. (under her breath) "The non-smell kind..." What, do you think I was born yesterday?

And I Quote

Mom: "Ah, let's go pick raspberries today."
Me: "Uh, no."
Mom: "Why not?"
Me: "That sounds like the worst time ever."
Mom: "Come on, amongst the birds and the bees..." (talking like Sharon Osbourne)
Me: "And heat, and mud..."
Mom: "Yeah, okay, you're right. We'll just buy them."
Me: "Spoken like a true American."

And I Quote

(Speaking into her new digital camera, on video mode): "Hi. This is Emma. I just got home from school, and everything's going my way."

And I Quote

Hannah, recalling her visit to the dentist: "I was so nervous until the dentist walked in and I saw he was Asian. Then I thought, 'Oh, good, he's smart."

Emma, in testimony meeting: "When I came out of the water from being baptized, I felt the spirit and it felt so amazing. I saw Maddie's face (her best friend) and I felt so amazing. I mean, she's always been there for me. She's the best friend a girl could have. She's like a sister. Amen."

Me, tasting my first Boston Baked Bean: "Is this a real bean?"

And I Quote

Emma: "Mom, this turkey is half as good as it looks."


Keaton: "The crotch on these sweats is super baggy."
Hannah: "That's because you're used to wearing mine."

Emma: "Apples make me think of Jesus. Pies make me think of holidays. Grapes make me think of freedom."

(During a game of What's Yours Like)
Mom: Hmmm... So, black, squishy, resembles Spongebob, currently in use... Uh, a boyfriend?"
(Right answer: a mousepad.)

And I Quote

Hannah: What should I wrap for a white elephant gift?
Emma: Uh... Peanuts?

And I Quote

At the mall, while browsing clearance racks at Forever 21...

Emma: "Lindz, what size are you again?"

Me: "My pregnant size, or my normal size?"

Emma: "Your normal size. I already know what your pregnant size is. Large!"

After buying a cinnamon pretzel at the mall...

Emma: "Lindz? What if some people don't know you're pregnant? What if they just think you're a fatty?"

Me: Speechless.

At home, while watching me eat Halloween candy...

Me: "Emma, hasn't the baby gotten so big lately?" (I rub my belly)

Emma: "I know. She's big." (Pause) "Your neck is bigger, too."

After our server flustered nervously and my mom commented that it was because Hannah and I were so cute...

Emma: "Um, maybe, but I think he saw that Lindsay was pregnant, so he was probably just looking at Hannah."

After I explained to her that the baby's head is ready to come out, and we just have to wait for the "gate" (cervix) to open...

Emma: "That gate is going to have to open SOOOOOO wide, because you are huge!"

She's fascinated and horrified by my 50 pound weight gain. Just you wait, I want to tell her.

And I Quote

3 year-old kid: Is there still a baby in your belly?
Me: Yes, want to feel it?
(3 year-old puts her hands on my belly, then points to a boob.)
3 year-old kid: Is there a little baby in there, too?

12 year-old (to my sister, Hannah): You don't look pregnant.
Hannah: I'm not pregnant.
12 year-old: Yes, you are.
Hannah: No, my sister is. And thanks for the complex.


Me (to a 4 year-old kid): Ash, there's a baby in my belly! Want to feel it?
4 year-old: There's a baby in your belly?
Me: Uh-huh.
4 year-old: Oh, yeah? (clenches her fists for a fight) Are you gonna eat me and my brudder, too?
Me: (speechless)

Emma (to my mom): Uh, Mom? This is kind of embarrassing for me to ask...
Mom: Go ahead.
Emma: When do you think I'll get some boobs?

3 year-old: (still pointing at my boob) That's where the milk comes out for the baby?
Me: That's right.
3 year-old: (thinks for a sec) You should make it chocolate milk. Babies love chocolate milk.

And that is just a sampling of the fun conversations I've witnessed over the past week. Just had to archive them so I can look back and laugh.

Really Deep Thoughts

Hmmm...
Overheard at the courthouse:

Defendant: Please, judge, I just want to hold off on sentencing for another three weeks.
Judge: Why is that?
Defendant: Because I want to go through the temple before I get sentenced.

Me (thinking): Oh yeah, that'll fool God.

And I Quote

Dad: What do you want on your hamburger? Mayo?
Emma: No.

Dad: Ketchup?
Emma: No.

Dad: Mustard?
Emma: No, I hate mustard.

Dad (exasperated, with his voice raised slightly): Well, you have to have something!

He proceeds to squirt mustard on Emma's hamburger, who sighs, shrugs, and looks wistful.

Happy Father's Day to a fantastic dad who is always looking out for us.