What I would give Dad if I was rich: Monogrammed golf clubs, lifetime membership to the richest, snobbiest golf club in Utah County, fancy teeth, new Adidas every year for the rest of his life, and Groundhog Day on DVD
What I can afford to give him: ugly "golfer angel"
What I would give Mom if I was rich: Porsche convertible, marble countertops, fancy teeth, private party for all the people she likes with Cake as the entertainment, and a prepaid tab at the Olive Garden
What I can afford to give her: these beans
What I would give Hannah if I was rich: Her own private trampoline, money for college (not for tuition but for kick-ass college parties to make her popular), Cyndi Lauper's wardrobe, her own freezer full of chicken nuggets and mini corn dogs, and a used, badly painted beater car to give her trouble during the rest of her precious teenaged years
What I can afford to give her: lucky knit bacon
What I would give Keaton if I was rich: Guest-starring slot on the Office, patience to sit and hear all his rambling stories, season tickets to the Jazz, drum kit, and lifetime supply of basketball shorts
What I can afford to give him: Myrna
What I would give Emma if I was rich: Her own room with a big pink canopy bed, every Ramona book, a stringed quartet to play her to sleep every night, a Lite Brite, and princess lessons
What I can afford to give her: sad Christmas doll
What I would give Ricky if I was rich: Tickets to Colbert, an unlimited Mustang fund, Converse in every color, sexy silk pajamas, and Arrested Development on DVD (really just so I can watch it)
What I can afford to give him: Batgirl sticker
What I would give myself if I was rich: Therapy, a week at Sarah Lawrence, a shopping spree with Hannah as my guide, my own all-white art room, and let's-stalk-Tori-Amos-vacation
What I can afford to give myself: Cheap Therapy
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