To a Fellow Human

Hey, you, nasty guy with the black bowler hat trying to be smooth walking into Starbucks. Two things.
First of all, your suave attempts at looking charmingly quirky were smushed by your gross moustache that you clearly haven't trimmed since high school eight years ago. It looks like hair from another body part. Cut it off.
Second, if you're going to check out a girl's derriere, stealth is key. Don't stop halfway through the door frame, bend over, and physically cock your head to see her bottom. Practice the invisible glanace that every other man has figured out.
I totally saw you do that, and I looked too--her ass wasn't even all that.