The Rant About Reefer

KSL just wrote about the latest drug craze--spice. It's synthetic THC, which basically means it is fake marijuana. Same high, same price, only completely legal.

A certain person I know has been a pothead for a couple years now. According to him, however, he's been sober for almost eight months. See, he doesn't think this fake stuff count as a real drug.

Uh...

I cannot begin to describe my burning hatred fo drugs, particularly marijuana. I've never had any desire to partake of any substance--I even am hesitant to take Ibuprofen. I prefer to let my body work out its own pains and aches. Except for childbirth. That's not even funny.

I was always pretty neutral when it came to my friends using it, too. Just as long as they didn't pressure me to indulge, and as long as they knew it was stupid, I was fine with it. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

But marijuana has become a huge factor in destroying relationships in my life. It has destroyed date nights that would have otherwise been spent at dinner and a movie. It has destroyed moments of deep conversation, permeating them with that dumb "high" laughter, that tendency to take nothing seriously when riding the fumes. It has destroyed all hobbies, good habits, and integrity in my best friend.

So, with that, I bring you:

REALLY DEEP THOUGHTS (Mary Jane edition)

--Speaking of Mary Jane, it really wasn't funny that Ricky kept suggesting to name Fin Mary Jane. Yeah. Not even the first time. And it definitely wasn't funny the 37th time, either.

--I do believe the studies that say marijuana is not physically addictive like alcohol or cocaine. Your body doesn't physically have withdrawals when you stop smoking pot. And there is a tendency with both the right and left wings to play the whole "keep counting" game. That's when you do a study to prove something, the study comes out NOT in your favor, so you declare that further study is needed. "Keep counting, keep counting." Right-wingers, submit. You're never going to prove that weed is as dangerous as alcohol or tobacco.

--But guess what? Something doesn't need to kill you in order to be dangerous and destructive. Porn doesn't kill. But I think that can be harmful, too.

--The worst thing about weed and the thing that, to me, makes it so horrid is how addictive the habit is. It's like watching TV or playing video games all day. People who smoke pot (at least the ones that I've met) do it as a hobby. An overindulged, self-serving, non-productive hobby.

--I could come up with weird creative crap if I were high as a kite, too. Don't tell me it "opens and faciliates creative flows." You tape record yourself when you're buzzed, play it back when you're sober, and tell me if you're a genius on pot. Chances are you'll sound like Pauly Shore, suggesting that we all move to the woods and invoke squatters' rights.

--Potheads who use the argument that "it's natural" make me sick. Opium's a plant. All the things in meth? Chemicals. Chemicals that were once "natural." Just because it's a plant doesn't mean it's good for you.

--What about medicinal marijuana? Oh, you mean like in California, how if you're in chemotherapy they let you get high to ease the pain and take your mind off of things? The minute you get cancer, I will light your blunt for you.

--There's a reason for the stoner stereotype. If you are one of the ones who manages to hold down a job, have a family, remember your grocery list, all while hitting a bong every night before bed, you are the exception.

--YES, marijuana is a gateway drug. If you try one drug, you are more likely to try something else, especially if your totally awesome dealer recommends it and hooks you up. I've seen it too many times. Once again, if you're someone who stays away from hardcore things and just sticks to the bud, YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION!

--Marijuana is a great way to go through life kinda fuzzy, not dealing with emotions and boring shifts at work and things like knocking up your high school sweetheart. Great way to avoid.

--If you are one of the potheads who can argue about the content of THC, the amino acid content and globulin estidin blah blah blah, you're a pothead with nutritional information. And you may love weed a wee bit too much.

--IT'S FREAKING WEED. I don't understand how it's worth dropping your family, your friends, your job, your old lifestyles, your ambitions...

--No, the government is not behind a conspiracy to ban pot to ruin your good time. They have better things to do. Like torture inmates at Guantanamo.

--The only thing worse than potheads is the whole pothead culture. You have a friend anywhere you go if you smoke weed. And if you're the only one in a whole crowd who doesn't smoke weed, you're a goody-goody. Even if you're six months pregnant with an illegitimate child.

--And though I may have never smoked pot, I know how a high feels. I once took a Lortab recreationally because I was depressed, upset, and self-destructive. It was the greatest feeling ever. It felt like warm water dripping from my head down my entire body, for four hours straight. I laid on my bed and surfed the high. Then I cried, because I knew anything fake, induced by drugs, however seemingly wonderful, wasn't anything compared to real happy things like a family that cares.

--So don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, or that I don't have a leg to stand on.

--I don't believe in addictive personalities, just people who can't admit that they fell down the rabbit hole. We all have our vices. Don't justify it with some made up bullcrap.

I am so sick of this wannabe rebellious, fake hardcore, new wave hippie stoner lifestyle. If you smoke pot, admit that you're a dumbass and continue on your way.

I will never endorse it. Marijuana and everything that has come with it: late night phone calls to pick someone up from a party because he's too stoned to drive, sitting on the couch awkwardly while ten servers from Chili's pass around a bong, feeling like a foreigner when everyone uses the "industry terms," forgetting who you are just for a quick high--it's all too much. I'm sorry, pot, but you and I will never be friends.

Oh, and if it looks like weed, smells like weed, gets you high like weed, but isn't weed...It's close enough.