30 Weeks...

Yes, another post about pregnancy. What can I say? It's kind of a big part of my every day life, and I do use this blog as an archival diary.

So... 30 weeks...

Top Ten Worst Things About Pregnancy Thus Far (and yet another subtle warning to all you lovebirds to watch yourselves)

10. NAUSEA. I haven't had the nausea (also called morning sickness, which is a huge misnomer--must have been named by a male OB/GYN) since about 18 weeks... Thank you Allah, because that is miserable business. I survived for a few weeks on only tangerines and string cheese, because it was all I could keep down. And yes, it really is as horrible as they depict it in movies. You have not seen hell until you have thrown up your own stomach bile all over yourself in the bathtub. (True story.) Oh, what, TMI? Then don't ever have a baby!

9. BACKACHE. You probably didn't know all the different ways your back can hurt until you have a baby inside of you. There's sciatica, a shooting pain down your legs, there's aching, there's cramping, there's sitting-down backache, there's standing-up backache, there's pulling-on-your-pants backache, and there's backache just because your back aches.

8. OVERHEATING. Hello, summer pregnancy. And hello, indecent exposure. I have never been a sweater, as in one who sweats, until now. In fact, the other night, I was shivering outside because fall is nigh, and it was freaky. I had forgotten what it's like to be cold.

7. WEIRD APPETITE. Yes, weird cravings, weird aversions. I haven't craved sheet rock or dirt, like some pregnant women, but there was a point this summer where I thought I would gag if I had to be around another hamburger. On the other hand, I ate my weight and then some in frozen custard.

6. CIRCUMFERENCE. Duh, I know. You get pregnant, you get bigger. I don't think you realize how freaky it is, though, to balloon up this quickly in this localized an area. Suddenly your stomach becomes a planet. And it is a glorious feeling when you can finally tell you're pregnant, because then you don't have to rush to tell people why you're looking chunky... they can just see for themselves.

5. SLEEP LOSS. This is due to a) anxiety due to the fact that a human is living inside of me, and b) the fact that six times in the night I have to walk up three flights of stairs to pee. Then when I get back into bed, I have to rearrange the pillows behind my back, in front of my stomach, and under my legs... then I sleep for half an hour, then it's time to pee again.

4. EYE SIGHT WEIRDNESS. Yes, pregnancy has even affected my eyeballs, which means no more contacts. I am a full-time glasses wearer, until I give birth, because then, hopefully, my eyeballs will go back to their normal, non-swollen shape and contacts will fit again. Also, in the five years I have had corrective lenses, I haven't ever had to move up a prescription... until now. My jaw dropped when the doctor told me this.

3. STRETCH MARKS (and other fun skin things). Yes, I have probably 30 little stretch marks--small, red, like claw marks on my hips and thighs. I figure there are worse things--stretch marks fade into little silver lines which can only be noticed up close, and really, stretch marks on toned thighs aren't so bad. But while they're erupting like dandelions all over my body, it's depressing. Oh, and skin tags. Never heard of them? Then don't get pregnant.

2. JUDGMENT. I've had my fair share of this, and it sucks, especially when mixed with the moodiness of pregnancy hormones, because then I don't know when to bite my tongue. I've learned to tune a lot of it out, and have grown even closer to those who are supportive of my decisions. But still.... I can't wait to see some of these judgmental people fall on their faces. I shouldn't say that, because it isn't very Christlike, but that's truly how I feel, and honesty is important, right?

1. THE IMPENDING DOOM OF LABOR. Need I say more? Sword of Damocles, hovering over my head.

Top Best Things About Being Pregnant (is it horrible that I couldn't think of ten?)

SHINY HAIR AND NAILS. Prenatal vitamins bring this about. My hair's never been thicker, shinier, fuller, or quicker-growing.

HORMONAL BALANCE. Remember that schlump I went through last winter, where I was all depressed and borderline psychotic? Well, it's either just up, happy time for me, or these hormones have balanced me out quite a bit. That does mean the impending cloud of postpartum hangs above my head, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

BIG RIPE BELLY. Okay, I know, I said that this was a bad thing, but it's a good thing, too. I'm like a crazy fertility goddess with a crescent moon belly. When you know there's a baby in here, and not beer, it's sweet.

INTENSE DREAMS. Holy Dr. House dreams. That's all I have to say.

HANDS ON MY BELLY. Probably a lot of pregnant women hate when strangers (or loved ones) put their hands on their bellies to feel the baby, but I look at it as positive energy being passed in utero through me. So, if you see me, don't be shy. You can't be worse than the Jamaican lady at D.I. who put her hands on my belly and shouted some crazy midwife blessing (or, hopefully not, a curse).

FEELING HER MOVE. This is the ultimate gift, and I'm glad women's bodies can feel their babies squirming in there, because otherwise, we'd have no hope or faith that we'd ever bond. But I know exactly what she's donig in there, when she sleeps, when she's most active, and she even wakes me up. She gets hiccups, she kicks and punches (my little million dollar baby), and sometimes (this is freaky) I can feel her upset and crying. That's when I do a weird bouncy dance to rock her.

All in all, this pregnancy thing? Hardest thing ever. And like I keep mentioning, I've realized only recently that this is the easy part in the child-rearing. But I had to chronicle this before the baby comes, because then I'll be lucky if I remember what a blog even is.