Memories

I find the concept of memories exceptionally tricky. First of all, as I look back at moments that have etched themselves into my brain, I realize I wasn't truly there at all. My entire body has completely turned itself inside out, shedding dead skin, dead hair, cells, molecules, and becoming a total new being. That means that memories are truly all I have left of those moments.

Next, there's the light and dark memories that will always hang around me, and those are the light and dark moments of my life so far. There are some experiences that I can still picture, and immediately conjure up gasps, grimaces, and true pain that hasn't left yet for some reason. And there is such an action as letting go and moving on, but there's also just deep, deep wounds.

There seems to be some of those dark clouds that don't go away. One I was thinking about was prom my junior year: the moment I was named Prom Queen but didn't have a date, so I had to dance alone... walking the Main Street crosswalk alone in my heels and having cars honk at me... seeing not the entire school but exclusively my group of friends pair up and leave me in the dust...
But I learned...
That night is just one of many times I will have to squeeze myself into my friends' lives. I've learned now that because social awkwardness is my forte, and I do not enjoy being forward about needing friendships, I am going to live a life devoid of the friends I always thought I'd have. Yes, there is probably more I could do to put myself out there socially, but I won't. I don't. And thus I adapt. I find friends who don't mind having gaps between contact that exceed weeks, friends who are able to pick up where we left off without an explanation or a long dramatic excuse.
Some Fridays I do get a little lonely and desperate, craving that summer of 2006 when it seemed like I couldn't get a break from all the fun I was having with my friends. But it's in my hands.

Don't really know what the point to all this was. I guess just a thought I had that I realized I'd want to remember in the years to come.