Living in Utah County

I do live here. I do not, however...

...Believe Rush Limbaugh receives revelation from God
...Get squeamish about the words "vagina" or "boner" (in fact, I try to use them as much as possible)
...Care about BYU--actually, I get a sick sort of thrill whenever they lose in sports
...Plan on naming my child Ammon, Emily, Joseph, Brigham, or those weird made-up ones like Briley, Trapper, or Dawnelle.
...Duck behind the displays in Starbucks when I see someone I know, and then pretend I'm just ordering hot chocolate
...Decorate my room with needle-pointed Jesus quotes (it's Ayn Rand or nothing)
...Find it okay to call me "Sister," because, frankly, I'm not a nun
...Find it fashionable to wear large laced collars on my dresses
...Ask for a "tawll" when I get out of the bath and want to dry off
...Have a swear jar to tax myself every time I curse
...Own a Franklin Covey day planner
...Plan on ever being caught dead in a photograph with my family where we're all wearing matching white turtleneck sweaters (yes, even the boys)
...Enjoy potlucks
...Care for vinyl lettering on the walls: "Back Door Guests Are Best," "All Because Two People Fell in Love," "If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle..." BLECH!
...Have a novel I'm working on that's really just a rehashed version of Pride and Prejudice that takes place at BYU
...Have an all-stick-figure version of my family displayed sticker-decal-style on the back of my vehicle

If I am truly going to hell for these things, at least I'll have Led Zeppelin to keep me company... and I'll have caramel macchiatos (yum...). Both of those just go with fire and brimstone. And there's no needlepointing in hell. I'm pretty sure it's justs lots of tongue kissing and fart jokes.