Vs.

Okay. Let me preface this by saying I am not an animal hater. Quite the contrary. I am an animal lover. I have always maintained that I am both a cat and a dog person. I would rather go to the aquarium or the zoo than to a movie. I cultivated a love of sharks when I was a kid and pictures of them still hang on my wall. I worry about how my cat Chloe is going to react when my baby comes. She'll be jealous. I'll be sad.
I love animals.
In general.
I have found an animal that brings out the worst in me. We are sitting my neighbor's dog, a half weimaraner/half golden retriever (which means big, skinny, with long blonde hair and little beady weimaraner eyes) and I cannot stand her. In fact, I told her when she got here that she needed to stay at least ten feet away from me AT ALL TIMES. Yes, you read that. I told a canine to please adhere to these standards while living under my roof.
I talked to a dog like that. I think I'm nuts.
No. I really, really cannot stand her. There's something about her that brings out the white trash, beer belly, low-IQ in me. I yell at her to go to hell if she gets too close to me. I scold her for not understanding plain English. I curse at her then feel like an idiot for speaking to this non-human creature as if she was a woman in curlers who stole my parking space at the grocery store.
Stupid dog took a shit right outside of my bedroom. She must know. I'm already contemplating revenge.
Oh, dear sweet child of mine someday reading this blog post--your mother isn't really crazy... I'm just about to start selling Team Sadie/Team Lindsay t-shirts online for those following the feud.