Ebb and Flow

Many people have a lifelong struggle understanding the concept of opposition. It's something that has shown itself as a gift of mine, very early in life. It's why I naturally am sensitive to balance, dark and light, why I often try to cure migraines with an appropriate salad/bath/softer music. I'm sensitive to that balance--I feel lazy/overstrung very easily. I date a Libra, for crying out loud.

But it shakes me up sometimes, particularly regarding happiness and sadness in life. For me, I have learned in life that very often, creation comes with destruction. Havoc is hand in hand with rainbows. A little brother of mine, in his wake of creation, was stillborn. The novel I finally penned was written during the eye of a depression storm, the lowest I've ever been. I see a car crash and immediately assume it's someone I know. I can't call myself a pessimist, or a cynic, just someone who has learned through behavior and life that bad comes with good.

Which is why I feel slightly more panic when I think of having a baby. What's it going to be, I wonder? In which way is the dark side of life going to shower me with trials while at the same time heaven opens up and gives me my baby girl? It's ridiculous to feel like I have to prepare for the most joyous experience so far AND something potentially heart-breaking...

Maybe this has nothing to do with that sacred balance I always feel. Maybe this is just the sick part of my mind refusing to believe that so much happiness and hard work is on my way. I've heard mothers describe their love for their children for years, seen the sparkle in my own mother's eyes when she tells us happy birthday... It's hard to believe I'm just weeks away from having that.

In the meantime, I am trying not to let this interrupt the little sleep I already get. I'm staying grateful--after all, isn't that the best cure for this kind of pessimism or cynicism? Gratitude?