Inevitable

Things That'll Happen When I'm Old That I'm Psyched For
1. I'll be a MILF.
2. I can swear at kids and people will just call me a crazy old lady.
3. No one will expect me to run into a burning building.
4. My body will predict things. Maybe my achy knee joints will flare up whenever there's an underwear sale at Target.
5. I can blame things on forgetting.
6. I can fart and I need no excuse or reason.
7. Kidnappers won't be interested in me.
8. I can finally wear polyester pants and no one will make fun of me!
9. No more periods!
10. No more bras!

Things That'll Happen When I'm Old That I Could Do Without
1. My babies chewing on my nipples raw while breast-feeding
2. Those years before death when I use fuschia lipstick and line way outside my lipline
3. Being the target audience for all those infomercials for scotch tape dispensers and walk-in bath tubs.
4. Having my peers and close friends be the ones who buy the scotch tape dispensers and walk-in bath tubs.
5. Secretly coveting my peers' and close friends' scotch tape dispensers and walk-in bath tubs.
6. Weird hairs in weird places. Again. (Didn't I already have puberty?)
7. That old lady shaky saw singing voice.
8. Pronouncing my "h's" in words like "whip," "whale," "white."
9. Heartburn that the most powerful Tums does nothing for.
10. My old lady saggy ass. (Although I'm sure I'll get a kick out of my husband's old man saggy ass.)