$25,000 Pyramid

Makes me think I'm smiling when I'm really furling my eyebrows.

Makes me use words like "furl."
With it, food in commercials on TV talk directly to me, by name.
Without it, I'm really sad that the TV food won't talk to me.
Gives me flashbacks of watching "Dawn of the Dead" as a kid.
Without it, phantom kitties meow at my window all night long.
Gives brownies, Doritos, broccoli, water, and vitamins all the same chalky flavor. Yum!

Allows me the overwhelming exciting pleasure of playing with giant balls of my own hair every time I comb it.
Makes my brain shiver.
Without it, I write for twenty-two straight hours and survive on pretzels and hot chocolate.
With it, I sleep for twenty-two straight hours, then eat everything in my house except the sloppy joes and beets.